My 1st unanniversary

newme

Today I would have been married 18 years. My first divorced unanniversary. Last year we were separated, but this year was different. Let me preface this whole thing, by saying, I’ve never been happier. I wanted the divorce. My kids are happier and more adjusted than I ever thought possible. Perfect best case scenario. So why was there a tug at my heart all day? I think this is some of the things people fail to mention about divorce. It still hurts, even though it hurts less. I guess it’s like getting a tooth removed, why does your tongue seem to question the emptiness? Every night I go to bed (by myself) thrilled to be me. That’s an unbelievably amazing feeling. The first year I was separated I had some pretty great mentors. A question they constantly made me revisit was who is Christel? I wasn’t sure. What does Christel want? I didn’t know. What does Christel like? I didn’t have an answer. That sounds crazy, but it’s true. I had spent so many years walking on egg shells trying to please, I completely lost myself. The past almost two years I’ve spent dating myself, getting to know me. And it’s been the best relationship I’ve ever had. I know what I want. I know who I am, and I definitely know what I like. Freedom to be me has been the most amazing journey. No wonder the path to get here was so difficult, it was complete unexplored. I guess my first advice to anyone wanting to avoid marriage explosion would be, don’t let you path get overgrown. The Segway from yourself to others should be well beaten. No matter how far you reach out, always return to yourself.
Today tugged at my heart because I’m human, not because I failed, not because I feel guilty, just because.
So today I started a new celebration. I got my hair highlighted. My stylist of 15 years, brought a bottle of champagne, we ate chocolate, cheese and drank to a beautiful friendship. If I was a mouth, today would’ve been a tooth implant. It’s a little foreign at first, but less distracting to my tongue. My hairdresser and I laughed about things that had happened over the years and we toasted to lot’s of happy memories. When I left I was full of hope, because I had been celebrating my victories, and my hair looked phenomenal. Cheers to new reason to celebrate old days.

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13 thoughts on “My 1st unanniversary

  1. Blue290

    You can’t be expected to not recognize something, on some level. Anything good or bad that was this long in your life should be reflected on. I wish I kept certain “survival” moments confined to one day a year. Instead of them crawling into my mind when ever they damn well feel like it. 🙂

    But then again, that is the benchmark this new version of us is working from. I’m glad to see it’s better for you. I also look forward to following you now.

    Reply
    1. reinventing the wheeler Post author

      I did enough reflecting, it never leads me to any place good. It was…and now it is…looking behind me is staring at hopelessness, sad, but true. I on a different path and to make a straight shot I have to keep both eyes on the road (in front of me) no looking back. As heartless as it sounds, it’s the best thing for my heart. If it was meant to be it would’ve been. Ya know what I mean…

      Reply
  2. erika

    Loved this, Christel. Today was the first wedding anniversary I spent as an ex-wife – a lot of what you write about resonates with me. Looking forward to following. 🙂

    Reply

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