A tiny quick look back, as I keep moving forward

251px-Leaving-the-past-behind

My thoughts on my first breakup post-divorce.

  • I haven’t felt this stunned, hurt and disappointed all at once, in a long time.
  • I’m most surprised by the fact that I’m still so surprised.
  • As much as I tried to hold back, it didn’t really work, if anything it worked against me. It kept me more at bay than really enjoying the moment completely. Hold back at the most, is all talk and dangerous because it gave me a false sense of security. When the rug slipped out there was nothing protecting my heart, least of all myself.
  • Being lied to, really for the first time in a relationship I feel so baffled almost like I’ve found an element that hasn’t made it on the periodic chart. I feel like the emotional vision of me must still be standing there, jaw dropped, finger pointing. Ohhh look I discovered a liar…..golf clap yay!!
  • The best thing, about what right now feels like the worst thing, is: I know for a fact, I can love again. That’s good news, although right now I can barely see the shadows of it, wondering if I could ever love again was a considerable thought that often kept me company. That’s not even a question after this breakup. So I’d say my value perception is developing nicely.
  • One thing I hope I take away from this is, red flags mean something, every time, no matter what! Whether you want them to or not, you can’t wish them away. Red flags mark something. If you’re at sea, there’s a diver below. If you’re on ground there’s a gas line beneath the surface. If you’re starting a relationship, it’s a sign. Don’t dig here, trim up, keep moving, but do not ignore these tiny cautionary reprimands.
  • It was still worth it. I refuse to ever regret loving. It was treasurable to love and be loved.
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