My thoughts on my first breakup post-divorce.
- I haven’t felt this stunned, hurt and disappointed all at once, in a long time.
- I’m most surprised by the fact that I’m still so surprised.
- As much as I tried to hold back, it didn’t really work, if anything it worked against me. It kept me more at bay than really enjoying the moment completely. Hold back at the most, is all talk and dangerous because it gave me a false sense of security. When the rug slipped out there was nothing protecting my heart, least of all myself.
- Being lied to, really for the first time in a relationship I feel so baffled almost like I’ve found an element that hasn’t made it on the periodic chart. I feel like the emotional vision of me must still be standing there, jaw dropped, finger pointing. Ohhh look I discovered a liar…..golf clap yay!!
- The best thing, about what right now feels like the worst thing, is: I know for a fact, I can love again. That’s good news, although right now I can barely see the shadows of it, wondering if I could ever love again was a considerable thought that often kept me company. That’s not even a question after this breakup. So I’d say my value perception is developing nicely.
- One thing I hope I take away from this is, red flags mean something, every time, no matter what! Whether you want them to or not, you can’t wish them away. Red flags mark something. If you’re at sea, there’s a diver below. If you’re on ground there’s a gas line beneath the surface. If you’re starting a relationship, it’s a sign. Don’t dig here, trim up, keep moving, but do not ignore these tiny cautionary reprimands.
- It was still worth it. I refuse to ever regret loving. It was treasurable to love and be loved.
Back to school. Three words that will always bring a stir of memories. The first quarter of an average life most people spend in school, and its become such a center point that the new quarter life crisis term was coined. A common way to summarize the stress, of that life changing transition. So here I stand in my rear view mirror I see a 16 year marriage on the verge of fading into the distance. Six months ago I couldn’t see past the settling dust of ruins to even imagine myself going back to school. Six tiny months, you can’t even create life in six months, yet I’ve set out on the naive mission to change mine. Reinvent I like to say. Single mother, new student, spider killer, toilet fixer, toddler toter, bill payer, dinner maker. So far the best part is the deep breath I take when I walk through the front door. In the six months I’ve lived here, I’ve never once, walked in with dread. That alone has been known to reverse the signs of forehead wrinkles. The worst part is, it’s a lot. Different stress, the kind’ve buck stops here stress. I’m not lonely in the way my 14 yr old ask if I am, it’s more like I can’t let down my guard not once, never. I want my children be confident that I can handle anything. So the worse day, I don’t cry! Sometimes I wonder if I were to let go, to just have a good, bad day cry. Would the tears ever stop? The build up from the last six months has to be some sort of dramatic tending female sign of super power. Every single day the good out ways the hard. I’ve learned to sleep in the middle of the bed, I have both night stands! I get the entire closet, sweetness! I can buy anything, and I only have to explain it to myself, and I never ever have to explain why I took it back two days later, because myself already knows. I can make anything for dinner. A notable highlight came this week when a friend called to say that for her upcoming milestone birthday she was going to a condo with some friends for the weekend, could I come? Hold on, let me ask…..myself!!! Why yes, I can go. Defiantly a highlight, particularly for me given my highly controlled history. This new invention is like what my Humanities professor explained today as a relief, it’s carved outta something. The original is still there, but the new creation sorta seems to step out. Chipping off the old, I think that’s the hard parts. Once they’re gone all you can see is the new creation, whatever it once was, whatever was holding it back, now serves as a “pop” for the relief. I’ll take that, turn my old poop in to my “pop” factor..any day!